What does it mean to get real? Honesty, authenticity...being true! Where is the line between authenticity and being offensive or just being a huge energy drain to yourself and/or others? Because let's get real, being real about a lot of things can be a pretty sad or angry place, it can stir up some shit for yourself and others. Getting real means letting your feelings out, your emotions fly, your experience shared. It's often not pretty. It reminds me of the old song lyrics:
"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to,
You would cry to if it happened to you!"
So where is the line between a pity party or a narcissistic attention seeker and letting your freak flag fly? That's a good question, depending on your audience they could see any of the above when you let it fly, but that's their problem, not yours. Yours is to be as real as you can...and that takes practice and courage, especially if you've been trained to play 'nice' and keep your strong opinions to yourself, a much bigger problem for women than men. Yes, there is a time and place and a way with words that will help you be more heard and understood but if you haven't grown up or learned to express yourself fully, it will take some time to figure that out (that's what therapy helps with!).
There is nothing more validating and joyful then speaking to someone who listens when you express your deepest pain (that may seem like nothing to someone else) or your most triumphant achievement (that again may seem like nothing to someone else) and have them respond with "Yes, that is horrible, I can't believe you had to deal with that" or "Wow, you are amazing, you did it, you went out of your comfort zone and accomplished your goal" and then can stay with you while you dredge the bottom of the sewer to get it all out. Sometimes we only have a voice when we can find that someone that can do that with us. But today I'm talking about a different kind of joy, the one when you are able to share your voice without the validation, without the audience that will support you...that's courageous and one we often hide from because it's such a scary place for many of us (me included).
A great example to me was at a retreat I went to where we talked about having a shift of perspective, changes in our lives...what it feels like, how it happens, etc. One activity was to have us stand out among the crowd basically. The leader asked different experiences we've had and asked each to come to the end of the room if we identified with it (alone if you were the only one) but if you weren't comfortable, even if it was true, to just stay in your place. So even if you stayed in your place and no one knew this was your experience, you realized you didn't have the courage or capacity, for whatever reason, to express your real self in a public forum, which forced you to contemplate why that was, what that said about you, what you wanted from yourself if it was uncomfortable to hide or uncomfortable to stand up. I'm a hider. It was uncomfortable to get real with myself about that. When he asked if anyone identified with being transgender a young pretty girl went to the end of the room. She looked so alone, so terrified, it was completely heartbreaking. The leader asked me directly how it made me feel to see her stand out there by herself and I said it broke my heart, I wanted to join her, be by her side and create a safety net around her. The ally in me. When he asked her how she felt, in her shaky small voice she said she felt strong, powerful and courageous for being real, she felt like a Wonder Woman standing there alone in her truth. She is my hero. She earned the Wonder Woman badge of honor that day.Being real comes more easily to some than others, nature, nurture, maturity, circumstances or all of the above, who knows. I struggle with it all the time, wanting to hide myself from criticism, from being different, from offending others...and yet my life's goal and purpose all revolve around getting real with myself and others. There is true joy in authenticity. Yes, sometimes it's ugly, sometimes it's offensive, and often it's clumsy and may look nothing like joy. But being real consistently creates a joy like no other and those that understand that will always celebrate your attempts at being real right along with you, because they want to be real too.
Last weekend we enjoyed a morning on the balcony overlooking the ocean, painting rocks and chatting about everything in the world. My hubby handed me a rock he painted for me and said I was his "Super Maria". He sees me, all the broken pieces, all the ugly mess. The real me...and he still things I'm a Wonder Woman. It doesn't get better than that.