When I think of joy, boundaries are definitely not what first comes to mind. But after all these years, I finally realize I've suffered needlessly doing things I didn't want to do or was hurt by others simply because I didn't understand the need for personal boundaries or even what they are (or had the courage to use them). Women in general are brought up to be 'nice' as well as, wanting to be 'liked', which automatically creates problems with personal boundaries. Basically, healthy boundaries create confidence, self-respect and self-worth while weak boundaries create resentment, insecurity and low self-esteem. Depending on how we were raised, we can be at one extreme or the other, most of us fall somewhere in the middle in regards to having strong boundaries sometimes and weak at other times...but as adults we are responsible for learning how to have strong personal boundaries for our own mental health.
In my research today, I found some great advice on saying no 'nicely' from Know Your Boundaries - The Joy of saying "NO":
Saying “No” is one of the most powerful statements you can make. Saying “No” keeps your power within you. It economises and budgets your personal energy so that you can be saying “YES” to the really juicy stuff that truly gets you energised.
Try it:
“I could but I won’t”
“Thanks but I can’t commit to that”
“That’s very kind of you to ask but I have to say No”
“No, I can’t. If I have the opportunity at a later date you’ll be the first to know”
“No”
You can say “No” for any reason, at any time. It’s your personal right. It’s your space. Learn and practise the joy and power of saying “No.” What are you saying “No” to today?
I loved this article today also, 15 Things You Don't Owe To Anyone it goes right along with having the courage to say "No", I tend to always answer questions asked of me (because I'm pretty open) and it's nice to have this reminder that I don't have to answer anyone's questions about my personal life, especially when I know they are just going to judge me!
- You don't owe anyone help on their journey.
- You don't owe anyone justification for your values.
- You don't owe anyone the answer "yes."
- You don't owe anyone personal information.
- You don't owe anyone an explanation for your beliefs.
- You don't owe anyone an apology when you aren't sorry.
- You don't owe anyone friendship.
- You don't owe anyone commitment just because you were asked.
- You don't owe anyone an ear for endless complaining.
- You don't owe anyone an explanation for who you love.
- You don't owe anyone fake compliments.
- You don't owe anyone gossip material.
- You don't owe anyone the truth if it doesn't concern them.
- You don't owe anyone your time if you can't part with it.
- You don't owe anyone anything that goes against your values.
So, you don't owe anyone, and they don't owe you. But guess what? You can be as kind and loving and gracious as you want, building healthy strong relationships depends on it. However, when you find yourself telling a friend or loved one "you owe me" and then guilt or manipulate them, you are crossing their personal boundaries. If you choose to do something out of guilt because you feel you 'owe' someone else, you are ignoring your own personal boundary and may create unnecessary resentment. Boundaries are hard...it requires some effort and work to keep our own and respect others.
I am no expert at this...just a work in progress trying to figure it all out. The one thing I do know is that I have very little tolerance for anyone that doesn't respect my boundaries anymore...it literally steals my joy. If I'm going to master joy, I have to master boundaries!
So, you don't owe anyone, and they don't owe you. But guess what? You can be as kind and loving and gracious as you want, building healthy strong relationships depends on it. However, when you find yourself telling a friend or loved one "you owe me" and then guilt or manipulate them, you are crossing their personal boundaries. If you choose to do something out of guilt because you feel you 'owe' someone else, you are ignoring your own personal boundary and may create unnecessary resentment. Boundaries are hard...it requires some effort and work to keep our own and respect others. 
