Serious Trigger Warning: This may offend you if you are Mormon, or trigger you if you were one (or are on any level in between). You have been warned, don't read it if you can't handle it. It's also not open for argument, these are my personal feelings and views.
This post is about one of the most validating experiences I have ever had...which gave me incredible joy. I wrote an essay a few years ago about a subject I felt very strongly about after one of my favorite authors requested stories for a project she was working on. I submitted my essay, along with about 8,000 others who also feel strongly about polygamy. The author has since finished her project and published her book, and no, mine wasn't specifically included but many had similar stories...besides mine was verrrryyyy long. As if that wasn't awesome enough, this weekend I have the privilege of attending a women's retreat with the author to discuss it! I'm beyond excited! I'm also taking my autographed book that Carole Thayne Warburton, my sweet cousin, and also an author, got for me when she met her a few months ago at a book club. Seems like a good time to share my story.Below is my blog post along with the essay I submitted in 2013. Amazingly with 8,000 submissions, Carol Lynn sent me a sweet personal reply as well, which I really appreciated.
Writing for Social and Religious Change:
My Story: Polygamy and Me
Carol Lynn Pearson is an author I greatly admire. I read her first book Goodbye, I Love You as a teenager when I found it at my grandfather's cabin in Yellowstone. It was about her Mormon temple marriage and finding out she was married to a homosexual, then divorcing and caring for him as he died of AIDS. It was eyeopening and jaw dropping at my young age.
She has since written many things and is still active in the church but is an active feminist and fighter of the good fight, especially for homosexuals. Her most recent challenge is eternal polygamy. Yes, she called for stories about our feelings on the subject and boy do I have some strong ones. Yes, I wrote my story and I'm going to send it in. I have been wanting to write and never can find what motivates me other than blogging, etc. I'll write a chapter here or there but then life takes over and I never finish anything. This is the one that made me sit still and finish my story...I just needed something that ignited my passion I guess.
Here is her call:
Eternal Polygamy – Carol Lynn Pearson is calling for stories
And here is my story:
Thanks for asking, let me tell you how ‘eternal polygamy’ has led me right out of the church. I have always been very aware of Polygamy in the LDS Church because I am the product of pioneer heritage thus several of my ancestors practiced polygamy. My grandmother was raised by her Aunt, who was also the 2nd polygamist wife of her father. When my grandmother’s mother passed away, it was a blessing that she was already married to her father and a member of the family as she easily could take on mothering all of the children. This was an example of polygamy at its finest. Of course, there are other stories in our family history that aren't quite so happy.
I've never liked the idea of polygamy. It turns my stomach for a multitude of reasons but mostly because I don't want to ever share my own husband. The thought of sharing a husband with my sister sickens me and the thought of trying to negotiate a relationship with not only a man (as if that isn't hard enough) but also another woman (much less several women) is beyond my imagination. I became infatuated with the movie Sister Wives this past year because of my own family history with polygamy and my deep feelings about the current practice in the LDS church of 'eternal polygamy' as practiced in the temple sealings. I watch with fascination the issues they face and the work they have to go to in order to deal with the psychological drama polygamy creates for them and yet their deep desire to be obedient to the principle they 'know' to be 'truth' as revealed by Joseph Smith. They may not be mainstream Mormons, but they are practicing the faith of my heritage, which hits very close to home.
My grandmother's Aunt and 2nd mother was asked by one of her daughters later in life, "Mother, now that I'm married, I just can't understand how you could live in polygamy." She replied "I was taught it like you were taught tithing. It was a part of the gospel, a part of the Church. It was a commandment of the Lord." These statements are not much different than the ones I hear from the Sister Wives on TV. They are merely practicing what they were taught.
It is clear that when we are indoctrinated into something from the time we are children that we often just accept it. It is typical that we stay in the religion of the families we were born to, as well as their political leanings and sexual, ethnic or racial biases. It is usually through education and life experience that we learn to critically think about the world around us to the point that we begin to question what we've been taught, challenge the views of our heritage, and seek out truth for ourselves.
I remember questioning polygamy quite a bit shortly after marrying my first husband, a non-member. He was taking the missionary lessons and I was concerned about him joining and that we may possibly be going to the temple in our future. I had a lot of angst about it for many reasons but mostly the idea of eternal polygamy that was taught to us. It was my understanding from the teachings that we would be polygamous in the highest heaven, the Celestial Kingdom. It would be a requirement as taught by Joseph Smith in section 132 of the Doctrine & Covenants. During that time, I read the book Emma, which left me grieving for the life she led and the way she was portrayed. I felt her pain as she was lied to over and over by her husband, Joseph Smith, about his multiple wives and forced to follow the principle of polygamy under the threat of being “destroyed” by God, according to revelation by Joseph Smith in the Doctrine & Covenants.
I had to work hard to put this all on the metaphorical ‘shelf’ when my first husband joined the church and we eventually went to the temple. I didn't have the courage or critical thinking skills to see the damaging doctrine this was, other than it made my stomach churn. I did want the ‘eternal family’ and focused on that. Throughout our marriage my first husband struggled with activity in the church while I tried very hard to be worthy of blessings by being obedient to the requirements. I felt I could never succeed at anything without the blessings of God and those only came from obedience to the Mormon rules, according to what I was taught. When my first husband did not want to pay tithing I felt especially betrayed by his non conformance to the rules, knowing the resulting consequences from Mormon theology was that he would not be worthy to go the temple, our eternal marriage would not be valid and our family would risk its forever status. The deep wounds the doctrine caused me and the affect on my family were devastating. The marriage ended after 23 years for multiple reasons, one of which was our different worldview, mine deeply entrenched in Mormonism and his was not. It caused a lot of struggles that I regret, however, it is ironic that the same church that divided us also bound us with fear to the marriage. I doubt the marriage would have lasted 23 years if it weren’t for my Mormon indoctrination that nothing was worse in life than failure in the home. I was intent on making it work no matter what and felt God would help me do that if I obeyed his teachings. I prayed constantly for help to do this as if my very life depended on it. I look at that line of thinking now and realize the crazy making mindset I created for myself.
However, it wasn't until I started dating among the LDS singles group and met my 2nd husband that polygamy really weighed on my 'shelf' and caused it all to come tumbling down. Polygamy was just the beginning of my faith crisis, the opening of Pandora's Box that led to many other questions, grief, and angst about the religion I'd been raised in.
I dated a few non-Mormons, but it was quite clear that our worldview was so different that it would never last. I also knew a man with strict traditional Mormon views (BYU graduate, previous missionary, kids on missions or at BYU, etc.) may not work for me either because none of my children were active and I couldn't handle anyone that felt my children were 'apostates' or that 'Satan was leading them astray'. I didn't want to ever apologize to anyone for my children's views or philosophies on life. I had enough of a paradigm shift to be more accepting and less judgmental of those that just don't 'believe' for a variety of reasons. I believe everyone is on their own path and I never want to be the one that makes someone feel 'less than' just because they may have a different perspective than my own. After my divorce I went back to school and received my degree in psychology, which opened a whole new channel for my thinking and understanding of myself, others and how our minds work.
I met my wonderful 2nd husband through an LDS dating site. We quickly realized we knew each other from our childhood. He was a friend of my youngest brother and our mothers were friends when we were children. Although we never were involved with each other as teens since he was four years younger, we did have this common history. Although he was a returned missionary and BYU graduate, he also had an ex-wife and children that were no longer active so our lives seemed to have many parallels that brought us close together quickly. He also accepted my children completely and enjoyed hearing their own views and ideas on life, which was huge in my eyes.
At the time, we both assumed we would be active in the church together and eventually go to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity, we looked forward to that commitment to one another. It seemed wonderful to find someone that shared my perspectives and priorities. Unfortunately, we began researching what we would have to do to be sealed and the old churning stomach was back in full force. The realization that I would have to 'ask permission' to have my sealing to my ex canceled while my new husband would just get a 'clearance' so that I could be his 2nd sealing while remaining sealed to his first wife was a large dark cloud over our relationship. I was glad to find that he was as offended by this as I was, so at least we were on the same page. At the time, I had a friend who was going through this also, trying to be married in the temple to her 2nd husband. The paperwork and time to cancel her sealing and get his clearances was daunting, frustrating and caused a lot of sorrow. Because of this, we decided to just get married civilly and figure the rest out later. It became too overwhelming to think about. We were married civilly on the beach among our family on the one-year anniversary of our first date.
Just a couple months before we married, as we were contemplating the polygamous nature of our religion, I wrote a post on my public blog. I have since made my blog private as my views and questions have become what some may consider more and more irreverent. While I want to be able to express myself, I don't want to offend. I haven't found the happy medium to do both.
Just a couple months before we married, as we were contemplating the polygamous nature of our religion, I wrote a post on my public blog. I have since made my blog private as my views and questions have become what some may consider more and more irreverent. While I want to be able to express myself, I don't want to offend. I haven't found the happy medium to do both.
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Warning...you may not want to read this if you are a Mormon.
I happened upon some interesting information about Brigham Young and his wives and have delved into the guilty pleasure of reading some journals of polygamous wives. I am aware of the goal of anti-Mormons and take that into consideration as I read and where I find information...but no matter, the reading I've been privy to has made me about as sick as anyone can be that this practice was ever instituted, and worse, that it still exists in the theology of the church I profess to believe in.
It brought up all sorts of scenarios I'd never considered as well as many that are obvious, ugh. I hate when I'm forced to face something I don't want to face. Does this matter when we don't currently practice it...even though I know that EVENTUALLY it may be practiced...even if it is in the next life? Can you just go to church and participate because it has so many good things about it and ignore the not so great ones? I suppose many do. How do you reconcile something so damaging to so many and so vile in concept and practice? And yet we do...we justify in all sorts of ways to deal with it. I do it myself. I've read the books about Emma and sad as they are, I throw up my hands and figure it's not my problem and need to just put it out of my head.
This reminded me of a couple of men I've met in the past, one of which I dated, whom was actually looking forward to the advent of polygamy in the church and had no doubt they were capable of loving that much (they weren't joking either). It made me shudder at the thought and I had the fleeting question in my brain that possibly I wasn't a full fledged Mormon...but if that were true it could be said of many a practicing polygamist wife.
Has my own promises included that I would practice this if it should come back to the earth...even if it was completely voluntary, could I even support it? I'm asking myself all of these questions and wondering what the answer is...as if it isn't completely obvious. I happened upon an interesting blog that asked the question if our current day prophet brought it back, would we faithfully obey? There were some interesting conversations and positions that went in every direction. One of the most disturbing was the discussion of gays being permitted to marry and the concept that marriage could be changed in all sorts of ways, why not bring polygamy back? And worse, the Muslims are currently lobbying for exactly that...if the Muslims get it, why not the Mormons? After all, the practice was never recounted, just stopped because it was against the law of the land and we promise to obey the law of the land.
I'm afraid I would not be a faithful saint. After all, I do drink diet coke, watch an R rated movie now and again, and have two earrings in one ear...if I haven't been able to faithfully follow every tenet yet (and I'm getting worse not better as I go through more and more difficult things and ponder at the absurd seriousness we make of very small things in a world of incredible sorrow) I'm hardly the candidate for an invitation to polygamy. Thank goodness. I hope that atrocity is never visited upon women and children on earth again and if it is I'm afraid I'd be a tyrannical feminist at the pulpit spitting fire and brimstone at every man who practices this horror. What happens in Heaven I'll have to leave to God's hands. I hope he understands. On the plus side, I suppose the gays would then have the right to be married...I wonder if they would want more than one spouse?
This could have been a very telling discussion with my new fiancé...possibly dividing us asunder. I'm pleased to know he will be happy to hold my hand at the pulpit in the support of women everywhere. The thought of my new sweetheart taking on a newer, younger bride in the name of religion to multiply and replenish the earth since I no longer can would drive me to murder fairly quickly...which would make all my efforts staying on the straight and narrow completely pointless. And yet, with my pioneer heritage I am the product of polygamous ancestors...oh to be a fly on those walls...
I happened upon some interesting information about Brigham Young and his wives and have delved into the guilty pleasure of reading some journals of polygamous wives. I am aware of the goal of anti-Mormons and take that into consideration as I read and where I find information...but no matter, the reading I've been privy to has made me about as sick as anyone can be that this practice was ever instituted, and worse, that it still exists in the theology of the church I profess to believe in.
It brought up all sorts of scenarios I'd never considered as well as many that are obvious, ugh. I hate when I'm forced to face something I don't want to face. Does this matter when we don't currently practice it...even though I know that EVENTUALLY it may be practiced...even if it is in the next life? Can you just go to church and participate because it has so many good things about it and ignore the not so great ones? I suppose many do. How do you reconcile something so damaging to so many and so vile in concept and practice? And yet we do...we justify in all sorts of ways to deal with it. I do it myself. I've read the books about Emma and sad as they are, I throw up my hands and figure it's not my problem and need to just put it out of my head.
This reminded me of a couple of men I've met in the past, one of which I dated, whom was actually looking forward to the advent of polygamy in the church and had no doubt they were capable of loving that much (they weren't joking either). It made me shudder at the thought and I had the fleeting question in my brain that possibly I wasn't a full fledged Mormon...but if that were true it could be said of many a practicing polygamist wife.
Has my own promises included that I would practice this if it should come back to the earth...even if it was completely voluntary, could I even support it? I'm asking myself all of these questions and wondering what the answer is...as if it isn't completely obvious. I happened upon an interesting blog that asked the question if our current day prophet brought it back, would we faithfully obey? There were some interesting conversations and positions that went in every direction. One of the most disturbing was the discussion of gays being permitted to marry and the concept that marriage could be changed in all sorts of ways, why not bring polygamy back? And worse, the Muslims are currently lobbying for exactly that...if the Muslims get it, why not the Mormons? After all, the practice was never recounted, just stopped because it was against the law of the land and we promise to obey the law of the land.
I'm afraid I would not be a faithful saint. After all, I do drink diet coke, watch an R rated movie now and again, and have two earrings in one ear...if I haven't been able to faithfully follow every tenet yet (and I'm getting worse not better as I go through more and more difficult things and ponder at the absurd seriousness we make of very small things in a world of incredible sorrow) I'm hardly the candidate for an invitation to polygamy. Thank goodness. I hope that atrocity is never visited upon women and children on earth again and if it is I'm afraid I'd be a tyrannical feminist at the pulpit spitting fire and brimstone at every man who practices this horror. What happens in Heaven I'll have to leave to God's hands. I hope he understands. On the plus side, I suppose the gays would then have the right to be married...I wonder if they would want more than one spouse?
This could have been a very telling discussion with my new fiancé...possibly dividing us asunder. I'm pleased to know he will be happy to hold my hand at the pulpit in the support of women everywhere. The thought of my new sweetheart taking on a newer, younger bride in the name of religion to multiply and replenish the earth since I no longer can would drive me to murder fairly quickly...which would make all my efforts staying on the straight and narrow completely pointless. And yet, with my pioneer heritage I am the product of polygamous ancestors...oh to be a fly on those walls...
My fiancé (at the time) commented on my blog post:
My voice may be one that is louder than yours on this topic. I am sickened by polygamy and its total disrespect and violation of basic human rights. It is oppression and hatefulness wrapped in one neat little rationalization of self-righteous and self-interested perversion.
The God I believe in...if he needed more faithful saints...would perform a miracle such as the day of Pentecost, with his own power rather than command men to act like animals. No honor in that.
Might I add:
When men start to tell others that they know Gods will it is important to discern what may be their motivation for accomplishing the "new revelation". Who does it benefit? If we all thought we were receiving revelation for God then one saint would be praying for sunshine and one for rain and so on and so forth. Confusion would rule the day. Isn't it faithful to believe that God can handle his creation without the assistance of his immature and selfish children satisfying their sexual appetites in the name of "sacrifice for God?" Biggest lie being propagated here is that anyone of the male gender was sacrificing one bit at all. I would love to hear that same "law of heaven" reversed and have all the "strong" and the "most faithful" sisters take multiple lovers in the name of sacrifice....how soon would that type of disgusting behavior be exposed for what it truly is? Total perversion of something sacred. What a shame that it is always taught as a sacrifice....total Orwellian word speak.
When men start to tell others that they know Gods will it is important to discern what may be their motivation for accomplishing the "new revelation". Who does it benefit? If we all thought we were receiving revelation for God then one saint would be praying for sunshine and one for rain and so on and so forth. Confusion would rule the day. Isn't it faithful to believe that God can handle his creation without the assistance of his immature and selfish children satisfying their sexual appetites in the name of "sacrifice for God?" Biggest lie being propagated here is that anyone of the male gender was sacrificing one bit at all. I would love to hear that same "law of heaven" reversed and have all the "strong" and the "most faithful" sisters take multiple lovers in the name of sacrifice....how soon would that type of disgusting behavior be exposed for what it truly is? Total perversion of something sacred. What a shame that it is always taught as a sacrifice....total Orwellian word speak.
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Where has this led us, almost two years later and happily married? We are completely inactive. We have read everything we could get our hands on from Bushman to Brodie to Palmer, etc. We read all the apologists, FAIR, FARMS, etc. It began with issues with polygamy and then we went down the rabbit hole finding more than we'd ever imagined that made us physically ill about the history and doctrine of the LDS church. Palmer's Insider's View of Mormon Origins left me dumbfounded. We prayed, read scriptures and cried a lot and then we prayed some more and begged God for answers to the absurdity we were dealing with. We asked our families and home teacher about it, which only caused problems. No one wants to hear your faith crisis; it’s too disturbing to them. If they discuss it at all, it’s only to bear testimony to confirm their own and put you in your place. The attitude is if you question or doubt you aren’t praying enough or have some unresolved sin in your life. It becomes insulting to even try to communicate with active members.
At this point, we are considering sending our resignation in but also still puzzled and fascinated that the church is what it is in light of what it was and the continued inconsistencies and conflict in the doctrine even today, polygamy is just one issue. We are also fascinated at the ineptness of the leaders to address the problems and ignore the hurting souls among their membership. The Gordon B. Hinckley interview with Larry King was shocking to me when he stated about polygamy, "I condemn it, yes, as a practice, because I think it is not doctrinal. It is not legal. And this church takes the position that we will abide by the law." Our Prophet, Seer and Revelator condemned the practice of polygamy and stated it is not doctrinal on public television while it is a part of our doctrine in the eternities and currently practiced in the sealings of the temple, not too mention the insult to those who practiced it believing IT WAS DOCTRINE. It's insulting and disheartening. The realization also that Joseph Smith wrote the Articles of Faith in 1842 stating that "We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, magistrates in honoring, obeying and sustaining the law" and yet, Joseph Smith began the doctrine of polygamy, practiced it and it continued on for many years and then Brigham Young and subsequent prophets continued it all WHEN IT WAS AGAINST THE LAW OF THE LAND and the government was working hard to stop them. There was NO honoring the law at all, much less the women, young girls and children it damaged.
Yes, this has deeply affected me. And yet, this is never a discussion with my active LDS family because they are heavily invested on the idea of their own eternal marriages. Questioning any of this and possibly losing their eternal families is more than most can handle especially when there is no reason to. This road we have been on for the past few years has been very painful and I don't wish it upon anyone. We were thrust on this road by accident. I really don't blame anyone for keeping their shelf tidy and up high. It makes life easier.
Oddly enough, since this all happened, my nephew who is a returned missionary and BYU graduate has come out as gay. His parents knew before he went on a mission but they believed it was best to help him stay on the ‘straight and narrow’ and all would be well. It didn't work, he's strong and honest and living an authentic life now. I'm proud of him. His active LDS family is now supportive of him, but not without emotional drama I'm sure. Of course, as if polygamy wasn't a big enough issue for me (because it affects me directly) now the homosexual issues are affecting my sister and her family directly (as well as the rest of the family). It will be interesting to see where that leads them in regards to the church. For myself, I find that living on the fringe makes me want to stand up and protect the others on the fringe. It seems we can keep things on the shelf...until they hit home. It's sort of like living in a flood zone. It doesn't matter until the house is flooded and even if it isn’t your own house being flooded, it’s hard to ignore the flood next door or even down the street if it affects someone you love.
Where are my beliefs now? Growing up in the church I chose to focus on the fact that the LDS Church was all about Jesus, that is what kept me active and believing for many years. My favorite book was one of my father’s (received from his father) called The Man Nobody Knows by Bruce Barton, it is a beautiful view of Jesus Christ. Focusing on Jesus helped me put the difficulties in the church on the shelf. A while back I read a Facebook post from someone regarding their own struggling belief system, which really hit home. I had to write about it in my own blog post:
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My Brain Twin
If I were a real writer and could articulate my thoughts so perfectly, I would have written this post on a Facebook thread in reply to a post dealing with the inconsistencies of the Mormon religion and how to cope, it gave me a good giggle for the day. In fact, when I read this to my hubby he laughed and said, we had this discussion a long time ago when you tried to explain your testimony to me...yes, this is you!
“My parents sound more orthodox than yours, but they are a lot less orthodox than others. I would say that I was raised in a very moderate Mormon home, which I appreciated. Still, I have always been to the left of them and have grown increasingly so over the years. I constructed all these explanations for things I had trouble with and came up with various theories to bridge the gap between what the church teaches and what I believe. It worked for a while.Then, a couple of years ago, as the duct tape holding my ideas together began to fray due to the strain, I had a lightbulb moment: My husband (we were just friends at the time), marveling at my jury-rigged version of doctrine, said, "You've created a whole new church inside your head." And I knew immediately that he was right. I had reverse-engineered my belief, telling myself whatever I had to in order to justify my testimony. Which is to say that I never really had a testimony at all, except of that church inside my head.The funny thing is, our leaders are so afraid of people intellectualizing their way out of the church that they seem to be oblivious to the fact that there are plenty of us who intellectualize our way *into* it.”
“My parents sound more orthodox than yours, but they are a lot less orthodox than others. I would say that I was raised in a very moderate Mormon home, which I appreciated. Still, I have always been to the left of them and have grown increasingly so over the years. I constructed all these explanations for things I had trouble with and came up with various theories to bridge the gap between what the church teaches and what I believe. It worked for a while.Then, a couple of years ago, as the duct tape holding my ideas together began to fray due to the strain, I had a lightbulb moment: My husband (we were just friends at the time), marveling at my jury-rigged version of doctrine, said, "You've created a whole new church inside your head." And I knew immediately that he was right. I had reverse-engineered my belief, telling myself whatever I had to in order to justify my testimony. Which is to say that I never really had a testimony at all, except of that church inside my head.The funny thing is, our leaders are so afraid of people intellectualizing their way out of the church that they seem to be oblivious to the fact that there are plenty of us who intellectualize our way *into* it.”
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It was through this type of jury-rigging that I stayed in the church and it is also the reason I can no longer stay in it. As I read comments from other active members on different forums regarding their individualized beliefs, I wonder if there is anyone that actually believes the doctrine as put forth by the leaders.
We tried for a while to go back to church but the rhetoric of the temple has become offensive to our tender hearts and I never realized how much the focus is about the temple and how little is about Jesus. This became even more apparent as we began frequenting other churches that talked about nothing but Jesus.
We recently went to dinner at our LDS extended families home and were surprised when the Home Teachers showed up and gave us a lesson on the temple. Again, we listened to the teachings that without being sealed in the temple we would be wandering the eternities alone, without attending the temple on a regular basis we will never know true happiness, and the most wonderful and valiant people attend the temple and we needed to make ourselves worthy to be there. It went on and on like daggers in our hearts. It was listening and watching these men that it became so clear regarding the exclusivity that surrounds the temple and Mormonism. If you fit in the box, it’s easy to stay and you get to be a member of the club. But those on the fringe, those that can’t or won’t participate in the highest level of activity by going to the temple or can’t stomach much of the doctrine will not feel welcome, included or comfortable within that culture.
The temple represents a lot of pain for me. From the struggle to go in the first place, not sure I even wanted to risk ‘eternal polygamy’; to the discomfort of attending my niece’s wedding alone because my then husband wasn’t ‘worthy’ to come inside while being surrounded by ‘forever families’; to waiting outside of my other nieces wedding because I was no longer ‘worthy’ to go inside; to my only choice of an ‘eternal marriage’ after divorce was ‘eternal polygamy’.
The temple is an extremely divisive and damaging element to families that aren’t perfect and few are. It encourages lying by those who don’t believe or aren’t living all the rules but don’t want to miss loved ones weddings, and creates embarrassment and humiliation for those who are honest but not worthy. It also creates trauma for both children marrying without their parents in attendance and/or parents whose children don’t want to marry in the temple, and embarrassment for kids marrying outside the temple that it is assumed are not 'worthy' to go. Not to mention the oddity of the ceremony itself that I struggled with understanding why we needed to do this at all, but that’s another story.
The Youth baptisms create similar problems with teens being pressured or lying to go even if they aren’t worthy just to save themselves the humiliation of not going and then tormenting themselves with guilt that they attended unworthily, or youth leaders going without their own kids who are unworthy or vice versa and feeling the divisiveness that happens in part member or part active families. I reject all of it.
I can’t believe a loving God would create this kind of chaos and sorrow while calling it a blessing. I can only see it as the one ordinance that binds you so tightly to the LDS Church that you will always be sure to pay your tithing so you don’t risk losing your ‘forever family’. And that realization…that it just comes down to money…makes me wonder if Mormonism isn’t really just a large and accepted cult in our society. I don’t know if there will ever be a day when I feel differently about this. These experiences have certainly made me realize how we can talk ourselves into anything and that we can be so certain about something or defend something so strongly and yet find ourselves in new circumstances that make us question all of those beliefs.
For now, I am a seeker of truth and goodness. I will go where love, safety and inclusion exist for EVERYONE. I’m open and curious about the mysteries of the universe and feel comfortable with the unknown. I will continue on my path, enjoy the journey and see where it leads.
