Struggling for Joy...trigger warning.

For the first time I'm really struggling to write a joy post. I'm not feeling it.  I'm not feeling like writing.  I'm not feeling joy.  I'm just really depressed.  Normally I live in anxiety (which seems to be my natural state of being) that keeps me fueled and moving but even that subsided and I was left with nothing but sadness, sorrow, depression.  I tend to have anxiety even when depressed...high functioning depression...which just keeps me pushing myself to perform, to work, to do, to live, to smile, to survive, despite how I might actually feel... ignoring how I feel so I can keep going.  Because I've never felt it was really a choice...I had to survive.  

It's been coming on slowly, this deep sorrow, like a balloon losing it's air...until this week when I just went flat. So I sat with not feeling joy...and therein is a joy of sorts, the joy of being my authentic self, although it really doesn't feel joyful.  

This past few weeks have been tough for multiple reasons I won't go into because it's not the point of the post.  I ended up just watching movies all day yesterday and trying to ignore social media with all the politics and religious drama that add to my depression.

The last movie I cried through the entire thing.  The Sea of Trees.  It felt like the culmination of a world of tears that is all I can see right now. It's about the very real place of what is known as the suicide forest in Japan. The Aokigahara Forest which is at the base of Mt. Fuji not too far from Tokyo, a place people make the trek to in order to end their life. Apparently it's the most popular suicide destination in the world with likely 100 or so people a year ending their lives there...sadly Japan has a very high suicide rate.  

The movie was actually about an unhappy couple.  The wife dies tragically and the husband can't go on without her, he realizes how much he loved her and is racked with guilt for not treating her better.  He reads about the forest and flies there to take his life and then meets another man who is there to take his life as well but who changes his mind and can't find his way out.  

It was a really sad movie but at the same time it was beautiful.  The forest was beautiful, their relationships were beautiful, both with his wife and this man...because they were real, full of love and hate and conflict...life is hard for everyone.  On that one common thread we can all relate.  The two men lost in the forest are able to share their deepest thoughts and connect with one another in their struggle and then they try to save each other and it all becomes about surviving and getting out.  I won't tell you the rest.  

It's dramatic and hard to watch, just like life, just like my life, just like my relationships...and probably like yours, too...because we are all so much alike despite our differences.  The metaphors in the movie were huge.  Life is like the suicide forest where we struggle to find our way, to survive, to find someone to relate to, to love, to love us, to be real with, to be accepted.  Then life becomes worth living and we want to keep moving forward because survival is more than just survival when we develop connections and heal and help each other.  And yet nothing is really ever solved because with every relationship and connection comes conflict and tragedy and sorrow also.  

I was left drained in every possible way after the movie.  And therein is my joy.  Life is full of it, full of joy and shit and everything in between.  Even in the darkest of places, like the Suicide Forest.  RIP to the sacred souls who give in to the struggle.  What a beautiful movie and tribute to this sacred space where so many laid their sorrows to rest.  I am in awe.  Joy engulfs me despite the depth of sorrow existing in the world, because they really can exist at exactly the same time.

The Joy of Diverse Books and my Ode to James Baldwin

Last year was a campaign to bring more diverse books to children and this year there is a 2016 Diverse Books Reading Challenge. It reminded me of one of my courses in my masters program for English several years ago which focused on the problem in education when so many of the books are predominantly white authors/white characters and the effect of that on minorities when kids can't relate to what they are learning and reading about.  They tend to lag behind from the get go, giving whites the unfair advantage in this country.  It made me look at education quite differently, as well as the plight of a variety of marginalized members of our community.


In another class I studied and wrote a paper about the black, gay novelist and civil rights activist from the 1960's, James Baldwin.  He rocked my world. He opened my eyes about racism and homophobia in America. It was beyond disturbing...and inspiring. The way he handled the poverty, racism, and homophobia left me in awe as well sickened me by the amount of hate inflicted on our brothers and sisters in this world...he was a great example of the pen being more powerful than the sword.  He was a great teacher to me and I fell a little bit in love with him as I studied his life and writings.  A documentary called "I am Not Your Negro" is coming out soon, I can't wait to see it.  At a time when racism seems to be spotlighted in our nation yet again, it's good timing.  Or maybe we are being forced to face what is an ongoing haunting problem in our nation, James Baldwin stated:

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, 

but nothing can be changed until it is faced."  

He is a beautiful human being.  Another one of my favorite Baldwin quotes:

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without 

and know we cannot live within."

James Baldwin - On Being Poor, Black, and Gay

Recently I read an article about how reading literary fiction helps us gain empathy:

Good news for bookworms: Reading novels boosts your empathy

I can only say YES YES YES...and when we add to our reading list minority and marginalized authors our empathy can only grow as we learn of the human experience through the eyes of those that live a far different experience in this life than we do.   I've been touched deeply by the authors outside my own sheltered American white world and admire this reader that committed to reading only minority authors for an entire year! 

I read books by only minority authors for a year. It showed me just how white our reading world is.

A loft goal!  It reminded me of a few of my favorite books by minority authors and makes me realize I need to make an effort to read a lot more:

James Baldwin - Collected Essays

So Long a Letter

The Compassionate Life

The Prophet

The Alchemist

The Faith Club

Fear

I am Malala

Far From the Tree

The Four Agreements and The Fifth Agreement

Because I believe in supporting this movement:  FIVE REASONS TO READ DIVERSE BOOKS

Brave Happy Joy

Ally McBeal was a one of my favorite TV shows about 15 years ago...I remember very little about why I loved the show but I remember this:  Ally McBeal had a theme song for her life and I wanted one too (hers was accompanied by a crazy ghost baby...that part I definitely don't want).  I related to her goofiness, lack of confidence, desire to prove her worth, her fight to be authentic, slightly neurotic, OCD and paranoid personality with a fear of almost everything, and yet determination to do it all anyway. She was wildly popular so I can only assume these are universal feelings of women (or possibly humans in general).

Since then I have gathered my own 'go to' theme songs that I need to pump me up when needed, mostly to be brave when I'm scared out of my wits, which is more often than I care to admit.  I had a day last week that I had to show up and be brave, declare my worth, and do it with confidence and enthusiasm, basically be a cheerleader for myself, no one else could do it...that's a lot to ask of an introvert.

I started the day with my favorite TED Talk by Amy Cuddy Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are and then moved on to hula hooping to some of my favorite brave woman songs:

I Am Woman by Helen Ready, one of the most influential women of her time.  She was my mentor as a child, even though I didn't know what a mentor was, I listened to her record over and over while dancing my little heart out.  Where is she now?  Still a great mentor, I love her perspective and way of living now: Helen Ready Today

Brave by Sarah Bareilles, you have to watch the video for the full impact...my favorite lines which always makes me cry:



I Will Survive, literally this song kept me going through my divorce, I sang it ALL.THE.TIME...and I did survive!  It still works...I still sing it...I'm still surviving.

Bad Romance Woman's Suffrage by Lady Gaga, again the video needs to be watched for the full impact...gives me goosebumps to remember what women have been through to give me the right to vote, work, own property, be paid equally and numberless other rights we have today...and yes, even today we still fight for equality.  This song has really been helpful to me this past few weeks as I negotiated for myself...not an easy thing for me to do.  My hubby gave me this shirt a few years ago to help me psych myself into the empowerment that I needed in my life...I wore it at my girls retreat last week as I prepared my mind and heart for being a brave woman who fights for herself when I got home, FEMINIST as FUCK, yep I am.  I appreciate my hubby's constant support of my life in his own goofy way. The video about this song being made is also worth the watch Behind the Scenes .  Would I have been brave enough to fight alongside these brave women not that long ago?



Happy by Pharrell Williams  Because at the end of the day, being happy is important and whatever happens happens, so just try to be happy and enjoy what you have in life.  This song just helps me relax about all the stuff I fret about.  I love this slideshow of the CSUSM graduating class if 2014 with the song.  It's a great reminder of the difference in my life because I did go back to school and get a degree (it only took me 25 years to finish), it really helped my career and my confidence, post divorce.  My favorite VIP is also in it, he hired me in my last two positions (and is now Provost) which has had a huge impact on my life and career...I will always feel great appreciation for the hand he's played in my life...he's also just an all around great guy, boss and mentor (reminds me a lot of my dad who I miss a lot).  He's in the red graduation gown at 1:09 and 2:28.

However, after all this pumping up, empowering and gratitude, I was sobbing like a baby and went through the day with crying eyes...but they were good crying eyes and I did what I needed to do, I was BRAVE, which made me HAPPY, and I felt JOY.

The Joy of Unplugging...and plugging back in

I spent the last few days at my grandparents cabin in Silver Gate, Montana, just outside the North-east end of Yellowstone National Park, unplugging from technology. It's a forced unplugging since there is no WIFI/Internet/phone service to the cabin (just this year they added a land line for emergency use).  It's a relaxing time to chat, play games, read, create and enjoy nature.

I met up with my sister and three of my cousins, ranging from early to late fifties, a span of years that seemed huge as children and now, nothing at all.  We are the five living daughters (two sadly have passed on, way too young) of four sisters from a little town in Montana. Our lives are spread from Utah to Montana to Wisconsin to California...almost reaching each border of the United States. We can credit Facebook for connecting us as adults.

We share a family and religious history but only recently began sharing our current lives and wide spectrum of life experience and circumstances.  Being plugged into Facebook gave us the chance to connect to each other and being unplugged at the family cabin gave us a chance to delve deeper into that connection.  Of course, various points in location in and out of Yellowstone Park allowed us to plug back into our own lives and family for short spurts.  There is joy in both the unplugging and plugging into technology...each a gift the other cannot give...balance is the key.  It was a wonderful trip and I hope we can look forward to deeper connection in the future.



Some of my favorite moments at 'Cousin Camp' in no particular order:

• Walking to the waterfall from the cabin, just as we did as children.
• Playing Cowgirls Ride the Trail of Truth and Mormanity.
• Sitting in the Yellowstone "Boiling River".
• Evening Concert while sitting in Bozeman Hot Springs as well as Chico Hot Springs on a cold day.
• Learning to rock hunt and find agates and petrified wood.
• Eating Grandma Anderson's traditional Swedish pancakes. 
• Watching a little osprey family nesting.
• Lots of good food, chatting, hiking and relaxing.
• Discussing Carol Lynn Pearson's new book "The Ghost of Eternal Polygamy" that my author. cousin, Carole Thayne Warburton, thoughtfully got me an autographed copy of because I submitted my own story during Carol Lynn's research for the book (along with 8,000 others).
• Finding sapphires in a pile of rocks at Fancy's in Livingston, Montana.
• Taking fabulous Wonder Woman photo shoots. 
• Watching the antelope play, bison roam and elk standing stoically, I didn't get to see a bear but some of our group did.
• Enjoying time with my sister that even though we live pretty close, we don't get much of.
• Being my own goofy authentic self among a group of fabulous women.