The Joy (and sorrow) of Stories

I have been filling up with stories this week.  Last weekend we went to The Museum of Tolerance and listened to a holocaust survivor's witness testimony, an emotional, disturbing, and fascinating lecture.  What an important work to find these stories and document and save them.  This man didn't consider himself a survivor since he didn't have numbers on his arm and wasn't in a concentration camp.  But he was a baby in hiding, spent the first few years of his life in a 200 square foot basement with 5 other people, 24/7, starvation, abuse, boredom...physical and emotional scars to last a lifetime.  He became a pediatric psychiatrist...no doubt wanting to integrate his experience and find healing to deep wounds.  It was the wife of a German soldier that housed them, all under her husband's nose, he never knew.  That's courage...and compassion.  

What would we do without the stories of our lives to share with each other and understand our own?  The letters, journals, newspapers, all so important to putting the pieces of the puzzle together.



I loved these walls made of clothing as a memorial to the clothes the victims lost as they went to concentration camps, and the clothes they were given when they got there...so much color lost and replaced with drab black and white stripes...just like their lives, stripped of color and joy.  How could this happen?  What does this say about us as human beings that we can be so indoctrinated to harm other human beings?  What have we learned from it?  Why is it still happening today?













This week it's been Feminist Mormon Housewive's Year of Polygamy, I can't get enough of it...these are my people, the Mormons, I have polygamist ancestors, I was raised Mormon, the majority of my family are practicing Mormons. There are a lot of them (episodes...and Mormon stories) so I have lots of commuting to listen to more stories but was absolutely stricken by the final episode today (do I ever do anything in order?).  Lindsay does an amazing work with these stories, her research, her essays and her interviews.  I look forward to listening to many more.  How can we better appreciate the experiences they went through than listening to their stories, acknowledging their joy, pain, and experiences...being witnesses to their existence?  Maybe it will help me understand my own Mormon history, my own Mormon experience.  It feels especially personal since it has affected me through spiritual polygamy, something that is actively practiced in mainstream Mormonism today.  I love this author, her latest book is about just this topic. When she requested stories for her research I sent my own...along with 8000 others. There are many still being affected deeply by this issue.

One of the faculty at my university did research on Chinese immigrants.  A comprehensive journal was found that a man kept daily during one of the most persecuted times for early Chinese immigrants.  He never wrote about it.  He wrote about his daily activities, his family, his goals.  Her research was to analyze the data and with other researchers put it in context, understand what it means to keep a history and not write about the persecution he undoubtedly faced within his group...did he personally not experience it?  Did he not want to focus on it?  What does it mean when we include or exclude parts of our stories?  It reminded me of some of my own sordid periods of my life, I rarely wrote about the details or the abuses I felt...why?  I'm not even sure.  It was usually too overwhelming...the experience was more than I could bear and it was too hard to understand so impossible to write.  Sometimes it would take many years before I could go back and analyze it, try and understand it.  I have no doubt I will be doing this for the rest of my life with things that have happened to me and my children. Maybe that was similar for him?

What about my story...or yours?  What are we leaving behind, what will people know about us?  It's my goal to be real, to write my real truth, my views and perspectives...they matter, they all matter. Maybe not today or tomorrow but someday to someone, maybe they will.  All I can do is leave it behind, all that I have to give is my story.

Joy of Synchronicity and Memories

syn·chro·nic·i·ty

ˌsiNGkrəˈnisədē/

noun

1. 1.

   the simultaneous occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.

The joy of memories and the joy of synchronicity should probably be two different posts but today I enjoyed both and wanted to share.

I woke up this morning and remembered it is my oldest brother's birthday today.  He passed away several years ago, way too young, he would have been 56 today.  I still think of him often.  As I was leaving the house for work I looked at my phone to see if I was running late (I was), my phone showed 8:18 on 8/18, I sort of froze and felt like my brother was reminding me it's his day and he was saying hello.  Of course, I said, "Hello!" 

I thought of him throughout the morning, little memories of going to art films with him and his friends, the cool teenagers with the dorky little sister, I felt so grateful when they included me.  The bruise on my arm where he enjoyed socking me for no reason when he passed me by...brotherly love.  Him teaching me to drive, and making me listen to a long lecture of how the car works (I wasn't interested).  Taking me on my first hike to bathtub rock, his secret surf spot and talking about relationships and philosophy. Laying on the beach with his new baby daughter on my tummy keeping her quiet while her parents enjoyed some time in the ocean.  Standing outside the temple with him at my other brother's wedding, feeling a bit like the shunned side of the family.  Him sending me $500 for no reason, with no expectation or explanation, during a particularly difficult time in my life with four little kids. Going to an Elvis Costello concert in LA as adults.  

We didn't stay in close touch over the years, we had a large distance between us and not that much in common in our busy lives, so it was fun when he invited us out of the blue to do something or showed up for a rare camping or fishing trip in northern California and, of course, we almost always saw him at Christmas at the Park City traditional family ski vacation. It wasn't until shortly before he passed that I learned of his love of writing (one of many of his artistic and musical pursuits), a passion we shared and the screen play he was toiling over, I loved hearing his ideas.  In fact, that is where I last saw him, in Park City where we talked about his screen play.  He wasn't a big hugger, but he was preparing to leave Park City so I went outside to say my good byes and he was already in the car.  He got out of the car and gave me a big hug.  It seemed unusual at the time but I appreciated it. Even more so when he passed just a few months later and that was my last memory of him. After his passing I was thrilled to see all the writing he did over the years, packed in boxes...much like my own.  Kindred spirits?

A co-worker invited me to lunch today and several tables near us had this incredible looking dessert along with birthday balloons and presents (seriously, was it everyone's birthday today?) and I asked what it was...this incredible looking dessert...the waitress said it was a special birthday "messy sundae", and then winked and asked if it was a birthday today? I, of course said, yes, actually it is.  So we had free messy birthday sundae to celebrate this special day with my brother.  It was a melting pot of memories and synchronicity today.

I texted my mom to say "Happy Birthday to John" since I knew she would appreciate remembering his day, too. Mom shared with me this song from the musical Hamilton that makes her think of my brother and father who passed away, way too young.  I had never heard it but really appreciated the lyrics, especially these lines...which speak for themselves:

Let me tell you what I wish I'd known

When I was young and dreamed of glory

You have no control:

Who lives

Who dies

Who tells your story?

And when my time is up

Have I done enough?

Will they tell my story?

I googled my brother, looking for a picture because I have a hard time keeping track of the most basic things and, of course, google has everything within a click...up pops the blog my mom created to remember him (made from the blog he created).  It's one story of many stories that are left behind about him.  He did so many amazing things in his short time on earth.  I remember being overwhelmed when I had heard of his death, why him?  He had so much to offer, give and enjoy in the world...I would have rather gone in his place, life felt like such a struggle for me at the time.  His passing also made me want to live my life differently, more like his, more travels, more experiences, more reading, more writing, more knowledge, more of everything that I never seemed to have time for.  It became my life pursuit...time for joy...and here we are in my blog this year, all about living a life of joy.  I'm glad John could be a part of it.

Thank you, John, thank you for stopping in to say hello today, for reminding me of some precious memories, and especially for the reminder to just enjoy this life and create my own stories worthy of telling when my time is up.

John Hardy

The Joy of Secrets

About 10 years ago I found the book Post Secrets and fell in love with reading the truths we never tell...or at least that may take many years to have the courage to tell.  The author has an interesting story about how his first book came about here:  http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/news-faq/postsecret-story

It's a fascinating project because it is interactive, creative, and therapeutic...for both the writer of the secret and the reader.  The truth within these little gems is powerful. You laugh, you cry, you feel, you relate, you think.  Everything that is good for you all wrapped up in this little project.  And it's a huge success...because we all love secrets...we need to tell them, we want to hear them...we want to know we are normal even within our own secrets we may never tell.

Need a pick me up?  A laugh?  Or company in your misery?

Try PostSecret.Com

The author has also done amazingly positive work with his project:

Frank Warren started PostSecret as a community art project where he invited total strangers to anonymously mail in their deepest secrets on a homemade postcard. The response was overwhelming with Frank receiving over 1,000,000 anonymous postcards and counting. 

All six PostSecret books have been on the New York Times Best Seller List. PostSecret Confessions on Life Death and God reached #1.

PostSecret.com has won three Webby Awards for "Best Blog on the Internet" and is today the most visited advertisement-free blog in the world with nearly 700,000,000 "visits".

The project has raised over $1,000,000 for suicide prevention and Frank Warren was awarded the Mental Health Advocacy Lifetime Achievement Award in 2011 and was invited to the White House to share his thoughts on mental wellness in 2013. His TED talk is one of the most watch with over 2,500,000:

Frank Warren: Half a million secrets

The postcards have been exhibited at the Museum of Modern Art in New York and the Visionary Art Museum in Maryland and there is a PostSecret album and play. 

Frank lives in Germantown, Maryland, with his wife and daughter, and dog, Shadow (but his wife wants to move to California).

Dragonfly Circles of Joy

I have had a little love affair with dragonflies for sometime now, I'm not sure when it started...maybe it was the movie Dragonfly in 2002 with Kevin Costner or maybe I always just connected with the spirit animal as in native traditional beliefs.  


For years I wore this little dragonfly pendant inscribed with:

Gracefulness has been defined to be the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul. Grace must find expression in life. Grace glides on blistered feet. Grace is the refinement of your soul through time.


I love the sentence, "Grace glides on blistered feet."  It resonates with my journey in life.  

And then I lost it, like many of my things.  It might be time to find another one, I just loved it.


I love the ideas behind animal symbols and totems.  There is a native tradition that says we are connected with nine different animals that follow us through life acting as our guides, I'm sure dragonflies must be one of mine.  Turtles are another...but that's a post for a different day.

The other day I was heading into work and a very large and bright blue dragonfly circled me in the parking lot three times.  I stood mesmerized by its beauty and stunned by its attention.  I've never seen one at work before or pretty much anywhere around here.

From http://www.spiritanimal.info/dragonfly-spirit-animal/

The dragonfly totem carries the wisdom of transformation and adaptability in life. As spirit animal, the dragonfly is connected to the symbolism of change and light. When the dragonfly shows up in your life, it may remind you to bring a bit more lightness and joy into your life. Those who have this animal as totem may be inclined to delve deep into their emotions and shine their true colors.

Coincidence that I'm working on having more joy in my life?

When this spirit animal shows up in your life, it’s an indication that it’s time for change. Just like the dragonfly changes colors as it matures, you may be called to live and experience yourself differently. Stay open to the enfoldment of your personal journey, meanings:

• Change and transformation
• Adaptability
• Joy, lightness of being
• Symbol of the realm of emotions, invitation to dive deeper into your feeling
• Being on the lookout for illusions and deceits, whether are external or personal
• Connection with nature’s spirits, fairies realms

My whole life has been one big change and transformation, it never seems to end. I counted how many times I've moved and I'm over 40 now, I'm 52 years old...that's rather a lot considering I only lived in one house until I was 18, I'm not even counting going off to college.  Someone asked me once if I grew up in the military because I have the same non attachment of someone that moves constantly...well I do move constantly, not really by choice, it's just been the way of my life.  I keep thinking life will settle down but according to this latest little dance with the dragonfly, I must have more in store.  Then this past week three beautiful orange butterflies flitted and danced around my husband and I for about 20 minutes on a hike while we just watched in awe.  

An important message carried by the spirit of the butterfly is about the ability to go through important changes with grace and lightness. 

The butterfly is a symbol of powerful transformations. By analogy to the development of this animal, the meaning associated with the butterfly emphasizes the ability to move from one state, perspective, lifestyle to another.

When the butterfly comes into your life as spirit guide, you may be going through or expect important changes in your life.  More than changes in your environment, the transformation the butterfly totem points to are more internal: They could be related to your own perspective on a subject, aspects of your personality, or personal habits. Personal transformation is emblematic of the butterfly symbolism.

There is a theme going on here...but isn't that exactly what life is, a constant transformation?  You know the saying, the only thing constant in life is death and change, change is always the better alternative.  I like my little flying friends that walk the path with me...it definitely creates a lightness of being and increased joy.